The Power of Friendship

It carries beyond the grave

Would you please keep my matron-of-honor Barbara (above) in your prayers? Today (March 25th) would have been her 53rd birthday, if God had not called her out of this life last September. This picture shows us 30 years ago… but this is the Barbara I remember, who lives on in my heart!

The power of friendship carries beyond the grave, especially when we pray for each other. Another friend of mine has a grandson named Malachi, so we were texting about the story of the Irish Saint Malachy. He gives us a powerful example of a God-based friendship.

St. Malachy was a bishop in Ireland when St. Bernard of Clairvaux was founding Cistercian monasteries on the continent. St. Malachy dreamed of being able to retire to one of his friend’s monasteries, to live out the rest of his years and die in peace in a monastery. But God kept St. Malachy busy with the many souls in his diocese.

The Irish saint did, however, bring some of St. Bernard’s Cistercians over to start a monastery in his diocese. I’ve been blessed to visit the beautiful ruins at Mellifont Abbey in Ireland, and to contemplate this holy friendship.

One time when St. Malachy was visiting St. Bernard (I think he was on his way back from a trip to Rome), he became ill and died in his friend’s arms. He had hoped to die at the abbey, but his dream was to live there in peace with his friend first. God did answer his prayer - he got to die in a Cistercian abbey with St. Bernard. The latter was so impressed with the holiness of his friend that he traded religious habits with him after his death, so that he could keep Malachy’s habit as a relic and memento.

I hope you’ve been enjoying our reading of Piety and Personality: The Temperaments of the Saints. Although the book is not specifically about friendship, the temperaments have a lot to do with our friendships. My friend Barbara was a strong sanguine, with all the enthusiastic optimism, joyfulness, generosity, and spontaneity of her temperament. Her personality was effervescent, and when we were together, the sanguine part of my temperament “came out to play” too. We had so many memories filled with laughter, joy, and yes, even silliness.

But you don’t have to be a sanguine to be a good friend. Melancholics make wonderful friends too, because they are loving and sensitive. They are by nature empathetic, and therefore they laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn, and “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2).

Cholerics can be powerful friends too, because they are decisive and loyal. Once they’ve determined to be on your “team” or be in your “tribe”, they are constant and staunch. They may sometimes tell you things a little too bluntly, but it may be something you need to hear. :)

Phlegmatics make great friends because they are so easy-going. The other person may have to be the one to suggest getting together, but then the phlegmatic friend is happy to oblige. They, too, are loyal, and do not get offended easily.

I am working on a new book, and it will contain a chapter on spiritual friendship. I’ve been thinking about the beautiful friendships we see with the Saints. We see many of these in the life of St. Francis de Sales, because he was a deeply loving person (part Melancholic). Whole books have been written about his friendships.

What should we look for in a good friend?

Someone who helps us move towards Christ, not away from Him. Someone who is a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on, but in the end, encourages us to be strong and do what is right. I often think, when I’m looking for an example of a non-friend, of the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. His wife’s “friends” all encouraged her to ditch her husband, instead of trying to help him. Those aren’t true friends!

True friends listen, pray with us, suffer with us, laugh with us, cheer us, encourage us, and then lead us to God and His Will. They are a true “friend of our soul” (or in the Irish language - anam cara). I have been blessed with a number of these friends in my life, and I treasure them.

How do we become a good friend to others?

I hate to quote Olaf, but “love is putting another’s needs before your own.” If you want to be a good friend, think of what is best for the other person. How can you make life a little brighter or easier for them? Be loyal, keep their confidences (unless, of course, there is an urgent reason to reveal them), and don’t desert them when the going gets tough.

Laugh with them when they are joyful; cry with them when they are sad. Listen when they want to talk and share our lives with them too. I have a dear friend who always says she’s on “Team Rose” (meaning she’s on my team). I so appreciate her loyalty and commitment to our friendship!

Maybe you are in a stage of life where you don’t feel you have any good spiritual friends. Let us pray to find them. Some pray to find good Catholic “bosom friends”, and I’ve prayed to find good friends for our children too. God hears those prayers! In the Old Testament, we see God sending the Archangel Raphael to be a friend and guide to a young man in need.

If you have good friends, thank God for them. If you need some, pray to the Lord to show you the right people. Think of how you can be a better friend to those around you. And above all, cherish your friends in Christ.

Our Lord tells us:

A new commandment I give unto you: That you love one another, as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one for another. [John 13:34-35]

Rest in peace, Barbara.